Category Archives: Societal Commentary

Intentions

There’s a lot you can write about intentions.  “The road to hell is paved with good intentions”, they say.  “He/she did bad things but they had good intentions.”  So what I’d like to propose today is that intentions are more highly developed in highly-developed organisms such as humans, and understanding intentions is one of the lubricants that helps our society function and us understand each other.  I will only scratch the surface here, and to do so, I’ll begin with some examples.

A falcon will dive toward his prey, usually another bird in flight, and the falcon’s heading will not be where the prey is now, but rather where the prey is likely to be when he strikes.  If he were to aim for the prey exactly where it is, the falcon would miss every time.  He has to anticipate where the bird will be, so he can be at the same place at the same exact time, guaranteeing him a strike.  Likewise for most hunting animals as they chase their prey.  In a sense, they are estimating their prey’s intentions, of where they are headed.  Or are they?  Could it be just instinct that they have learned over millennia, among other instincts such as where to strike (for the kill), what prey to take on and what not, etc….?

Consider a situation where a co-worker gives another co-worker what she thinks is sugar to sweeten their coffee, but it’s actually poison.  The unsuspecting co-worker dies of poisoning at the hands of their co-worker, who had no idea they were giving them poison, thinking it was sugar.  Or what if the co-worker gives the other co-worker a packet of poison, expecting them to die of poisoning, but what they actually give them is sugar, and nothing happens?  Those are two extreme cases where the intention is clearly very important.

Have you ever been in stop-and-go traffic, and you are watching a car on the adjacent lane just ahead of you, and you can tell they want to merge to your lane, without them giving you any signals?  They don’t state their intentions by turning on their blinkers.  They don’t open the window and wave for you to let them in.  The car might not even be moving, but you KNOW that, as soon as a gap opens in front of you, they will merge?  And as soon as you leave a large enough gap, they merge in front of you.  How can you tell by just looking at the car, what their intentions were?  

These are just a few examples of how we, as humans, can sense others’ intentions without having clear cues.  I don’t know if this is something we are born with, a way to intuit what others are thinking of doing, but some of it is learned.  Maybe we already come with the proper hardware (a complex brain) predisposed to accept social programming on how to figure out someone’s intentions.  I think this is part of what gives us social or emotional intelligence, something not all of us have in spades.  Some of us have more practical, or intellectual intelligence and we’re not as quick to catch someone’s intentions.  But regardless, reading intentions is something that I think separates us from other species.  What do you think?

The Pseudo-Social

I don’t fall for this phenomenon that much anymore.  i don’t think I’ve ever had, but I’m sure I practiced it more in my earlier years.  Of course I’m talking about the pseudo-social phenomenon.  This is where one participates in activities that have a practical base (raison d’ etre) at the surface, but the roots are pure social interaction.

Consider:  A friend says he/she is having trouble with the computer.  They say it’s acting funny and they don’t know what to do.  Because you’ve more computer knowledge in the social group, you get the call asking for assistance.  You ask some relevant questions but alas, because the computer’s owner is not computer-savvy, he/she cannot give you clear information to diagnose the problem over the phone.  So a personal visit is scheduled.  No hurry, whenever you can.  A short time later (a day or so) you visit said friend and within a short time you fix the problem or decide it’s beyond your knowledge base and suggest he/she contact a professional.  Either way, you stay and have dinner or go out, have some drinks, join other people, and merriment ensues.  You spent a good 15 minutes on the actual problem and 5 hours on the social call.  On balance, the social took much more so overwhelmingly it should be considered a social event; but started with a practical reason.

So why is it that I don’t fall for this anymore.  Many reasons I can think of can be the cause.  Firstly, as we get older, we learn to be more self-sufficient.  So the occasional friend who has computer problems will likely just take it to a computer shop and have it fixed instead of bothering other people.  Secondly, people are more busy than ever. They’ve all these pseudo-appointments to deal with.  Most business is self-inflicted but it takes real time, so there’s less pseudo-social time.  Third and most important; I just have many less friends.  I don’t know why it is, but younger people tend to be more social.  As we get older we just don’t care that much anymore.  A couple of friends will do, and no more.  I should get more pseudo-friends, become more pseudo-social, and I’ll be more pseudo-busy.

Experimenting on yourself

Over the years I’ve tried some things to try to change something about me.  I mostly take what I consider to be the most basic and logical approach, which is not what a lot of people use.  This last year was a particularly interesting for me as far as experimenting, and so I shall fill you in on what I did and my observations.  A warning:  I will discuss some bodily functions so if you’re a person who is so shallow as to never… ok, never mind… but be aware that I will discuss some things in detail and you may or may not find to be, shall we say, “dinner conversation”.

An aside:  Yesterday I played golf with one of my friends, and as we usually do, we go get a beer and some non-healthy food afterwards.  He didn’t have anything, just water, because he said he had to go see his trainer afterwards, at the gym, because he is trying to lose weight.  I asked him: “When I think about losing weight, I don’t think about going to work out somewhere, I think about just eating less…”. He looked at me like I was crazy.

And with that, let’s talk about the first experiment I ran on myself, and that is, the “one meal per day” fasting diet.  “OMAD” for short.  As I do with everything I try, I do a lot of research (this usually involves watching some YouTube videos and then reading what’s available on the internet, from credible sources).  So, starting in April, 2021, I went on an OMAD.  I can’t say it was hard.  The first day I did not eat for 2 days, I didn’t find it that hard.  And I lost 10 lbs in 2 months.  I still do some fasting, but this time I don’t eat for like 12 hours, but that’s just the way I eat, it’s not for trying.  So, the positives is, that, yes, it works.  Eat whatever you want, but only once per day and you’ll lose weight.  You need a strong will for that, but it gets easier after the first week.  I didn’t think I did, but it turns out I have a pretty strong will naturally; what seems easy for me seems to be extremely hard for many people; they fall prey to their desires pretty quickly.  Now for the bad part: I think I got a hernia from doing this.  Now, I can’t be 100% sure, because I’m not a doctor, but the causality seems fairly direct.  So, when you don’t eat solid food but once a day, you also tend not to go to the restroom to do #2 for days.  I was going potty like, once or twice per week.  But when I did, it was, shall we say, pretty “hard” to get stuff out.  And it involved squat sitting and a great deal of effort, and as it turns out, the muscles you use when trying to, you know, do #2, are the same ones that get stressed and can give you a hernia.  I went to the doctor in July and September and told him about the bump I get in my groin area and he said it’s a possible hernia.  And I can’t explain how I got it otherwise, other than the effort associated with this diet.  So, there you go, learn from my mistakes, and if you do do (pun intended) an OMAD diet, be sure and have some sort of stool softener or laxative of some sort to help things through.

I watched a documentary about our largest organ; our skin.  Then I researched a bit more and made a decision to experiment on myself in October, 2021.  The experiment involves not using soap when showering, at all.  So, it’s now 2022 and since October 2021 I haven’t used any soap.  Well, I should say I’ve used a bit of soap only on some affected areas as I shall explain, but other than that, no soap on my body.  The background is that your skin is like a wall built of mortar and bricks, and when you wash, soap contains a bunch of stuff, plus its surfactant properties, that strips away at the mortar and some of the bricks in your skin.  Plus there are loads of beneficial creatures in your skin that when you use strong chemicals it throws the balance off your skin and creates skin problems.  So, after you wash, you inevitably feel the dryness of the skin based on what you just did to your skin, and then you need moisturizer to relieve the itchiness.  So, just as the OMAD experiment, I though, well, if you just don’t use soap you don’t cause dryness and then you don’t need the moisturizer.  So after 4 months of not using any soap, I can report mostly positive news.  My skin feels great!  In fact, it’s never felt better.  I strongly recommend doing it, with some caveat: mind your armpits.  Especially if you eat some spicy food.  That’s where I’ve had to use soap and deodorant (by the way, I also didn’t use deodorant for a while as well).  So, use deodorant but not anti-perspirant; that stuff is BAD for you.  

So there you have it.  I have a natural strong will and I’m able to run some experiments on myself and monitor the results.  What about you?  Have you done any things that are not conventional in order to achieve results?  How do societal conventions pressure you into convention?  Or do you not care that much about what others think and just run your own course?  What have been the results?

Do you relate?

I’m often asked for advice on stuff and I try my hardest not to give anyone advice, for many reasons which I won’t go into in this blog (but will on others, so stay tuned).  One thing that keeps coming up when you give advice or opinions (which are the same, really, it just depends on whether you are asked for your opinion or if you give your opinion of your own initiative) is the criticism of me from the “advice-receiver”.  That is, that they feel you’re either unqualified for or cannot relate to them and so your advice is not valued.  Mind you, this only happens when you’re not confirming their opinion already; if you’re giving a dissenting opinion.  Of course, if you’re just affirming what they believe, there is no friction at all.  Let me expand on what I mean.

Sometimes I give opinion on something my brothers do as they raise their kids.  For example, if the kids are constantly being fed junk food and candy, I tell them that it’s probably not a good idea; that they should try to teach their kids to eat healthy.  Of course, this opinion is often met with a “you don’t have any kids, so that makes you unqualified to give any advice about kids”.  As if common sense isn’t enough.  Other times, someone has a lot of trivial things on their mind and it’s making them crazy and mentally-blocked so they can’t move forward.  So you give them advice on how to handle the situation; just ignore the trivial stuff and buck up and make the hard decisions.  “Oh, but you don’t understand; you have no empathy for other people and so you can’t relate to what I’m feeling and that disqualifies you from giving me advice on the matter”.  

It’s like, in people’s minds, someone who isn’t in their same situation can’t be qualified to give them advice.  Or sometimes you ARE in their same situation, and that disqualifies you from giving them advice, because, if your advice were any good, you’d not be in that same situation yourself.  You can’t win.  So when people seek advice or opinions, more that anything they’re looking for confirmation of what they already believe or know.  And your advice in that situation is pretty much worthless.

And don’t get me started on those times you give advice to people, especially if it’s complex advice, and they only do part of what you tell them (the easy part) and don’t do the hard parts, and when it blows up in their face, they blame you for following your advice.  And so, can you relate?  How do you handle when someone ask you for your “honest opinion” or for “advice on something”?  Do you just give them a kind confirmation of what they want to hear, or do you give them your actual opinion and risk alienating them?

Married guys v. Single guys

(this is from a blog post dated February 13, 2011)

Life seems to be getting more and more confusing for me.  Maybe I should explain that.  As I get older, I find more things to think about; specifically, about whether I’m a person destined to live a married life.  I did some introspecting and I came to the conclusion that I am a married guy type.  I think I was destined to get married and grow old with someone.

That seems to be the conventional way of thinking, but two things I heard today caused me to pause and reflect.  I should add that I also had this conversation with my wife last night (Saturday, Friday 12th – I know the date does not match to the entry) as we were driving back home from our “date”.  I mentioned to her that I believe my natural state is one of being married.  I could not have said that a few years ago before I met her.  I think 10 or 15 years ago I was enjoying life and I didn’t think about being the “married guy”.  But it happened, I’m glad it did, and now I think I’m in that stage.  

I should explain what I mean by “married” v. “single” guys.  Married guys have a certain personality that allows them to couple with a woman.  We are one-woman men, and we are most handy around the house.  We also consider relationships with women to be long-term.  There are many single men out there who are destined to be married, just waiting for the right one to come along.  Conversely, there are lots of single who just want to stay single because they enjoy single life so much.  There are also married single men.  These are the guys who marry but are always looking at other women.  They just happened to marry someone who either accepts their “transgressions” or is strong enough for the both of them and keeps them in check.  But left alone in the wild, these guys find single life more comfortable.  They like to flirt with other women, go out and party, and drive fast cars or bikes.  

This morning on CBS Sunday Morning I saw a story on how many more men and women are remaining single.  The figure was something like 59%; that’s almost half the population.  So it seems that remaining single, for whatever reason, is very culturally accepted for us.  On the other token, the business of weddings is booming.  How to explain that?  It seems that many people are marrying more than once, and sometimes ultimately finding that single life is more to their liking.  

At church, this morning’s message on the homily had to do with adultery.  According to the bible, if a man divorces his wife and causes her to commit adultery, he is an adulterer as well.  I didn’t understand this part, and maybe I got it wrong but that’s what I remember the message being.  Also, according to the bible you’re not to even look at another woman with desire because that is committing adultery.  And one can’t marry a divorced woman because that’s adultery as well.  It seems that most anything you do if it’s not having sex with just the one woman in your entire life is considered adultery.  And adultery’s a sin.

So I’m left wondering who I am.  First, I’m a person with needs.  I have needed the companionship of women ever since I can remember.  I haven’t usually been able to identify with them, talk straight with them, understand them, communicate with them, hear them, watch them, desire them, and all other sorts of things you do to/with women.  But I have always known that I am meant to be with one of them.  My mother had a lot to do with it, I guess.  So that’s my nature.  Second, I’m also a religious person and I agree about what the church believes as it regards to adultery.  I wish I had the one woman and that I was happy with her for my entire life.  But I cannot control how she or any other woman would feel about it.  And society and culture are powerful forces which guide our decisions.  Because of that, I’ve not been able to make good decisions that allow me to stay with one woman.  In the end, I’m pretty sure I want and need to be with a woman.  I’m a “married” guy.  I’ve been single, then married, then single again, then married, then separated.  But I know in the end I’m meant to be with one person to grow old with.  Here’s hoping.

No strings attached

With the new year I have been considering my friendships and deciding on any changes I should make.  I’ve made some reductions in friends where I felt the relationship wasn’t equitable, in the sense that I felt I was putting in much more into the relationship than I was getting.  And I am having trouble with the relationship with my best friend; we are in non-speaking terms right now.  And this brings me to the subject of gifts and gift-giving.  

I’m not particularly pro gift-giving.  I in fact hate it.  I hate giving objects as gifts and to some degree, receiving them.  It’s almost never something I truly want, and having to give gifts stresses me because I want to always give the perfect gift but I know I won’t… probably.  That’s why I said “giving objects as gifts” is what I hate, and not gifts themselves.  But I’d rather give experiences, spend time with someone, rather than give them something.  I think buying stuff fuels consumerism, but that’s a different story for a different day.  Right now I want to concentrate on gifts and friendships.

I think that is one is to give a gift to someone, it should be with no.  strings. attached.  Period.  If you give someone something, they should be free to do whatever they want with it.  They can throw it in the trash, regift it, keep it, sell it, whatever.  I know this is probably not a common or popular stance on my part, but it is how I feel about it.  And this leads me to the relationship with my best friend.  Some time ago she gave me a gift that I didn’t ask for and don’t particularly like, so it just sits in a drawer somewhere.  My nephew, as I found out, might like and appreciate this item much more than I so I thought it would be great to pass on this gift to him.  I asked my best friend (the one who gave me the gift) if it would be okay if I gave it to my nephew.  The result was… unpredictable to me (but likely predictable to many).   She became really upset and told me a few things that I didn’t appreciate and now we’re in non-speaking terms as a result.  Now, granted, it is possible that some of these things had been brewing in her mind for a while and this situation presented a perfect opportunity for her to let them all out, but I can’t help feel that this result cements my belief that gifts should be given with no strings attached.  

Another friend (more of an acquaintance, really) is someone whose friendship I’d been re-considering because I felt she was taking more advantage of my friendship than giving back.  So I’d been considering moving further away from her.  For Christmas, she said she had “something small for me” (she knows how I feel about gifts) and “could I come to her house to get it”.  She lives about an hour from me, given traffic conditions so I expected that I would use up some 4-6 hours in going to get this “gift”.  One hour there, one hour back, and invariably, she’d have something for me to help her with plus the social pleasantries… four hours.  Needless to say, I was not moved by the offer.  Why am I going to give up 4 hours of my time to go get something I don’t want?  I feel that when you give a gift, it should not create a burden on the recipient.  In this case, if she wanted to give me a gift, she could bring it to me or give it to me when we see each other at some social event or whatever; not ask me to drive to her house to get it.  Anyway, I appreciated the gesture and have made some excuses as to why I can’t go to her house, and now I think she’s got the message and has stopped calling me also.  

I’m two for two.

So, what next?  I dunno.  I’m not going to change my mind about gifts or gift-giving.  I just need to find someone who understands that and can accept it, and so I can also accept her… no strings attached.