With the new year I have been considering my friendships and deciding on any changes I should make.  I’ve made some reductions in friends where I felt the relationship wasn’t equitable, in the sense that I felt I was putting in much more into the relationship than I was getting.  And I am having trouble with the relationship with my best friend; we are in non-speaking terms right now.  And this brings me to the subject of gifts and gift-giving.  

I’m not particularly pro gift-giving.  I in fact hate it.  I hate giving objects as gifts and to some degree, receiving them.  It’s almost never something I truly want, and having to give gifts stresses me because I want to always give the perfect gift but I know I won’t… probably.  That’s why I said “giving objects as gifts” is what I hate, and not gifts themselves.  But I’d rather give experiences, spend time with someone, rather than give them something.  I think buying stuff fuels consumerism, but that’s a different story for a different day.  Right now I want to concentrate on gifts and friendships.

I think that is one is to give a gift to someone, it should be with no.  strings. attached.  Period.  If you give someone something, they should be free to do whatever they want with it.  They can throw it in the trash, regift it, keep it, sell it, whatever.  I know this is probably not a common or popular stance on my part, but it is how I feel about it.  And this leads me to the relationship with my best friend.  Some time ago she gave me a gift that I didn’t ask for and don’t particularly like, so it just sits in a drawer somewhere.  My nephew, as I found out, might like and appreciate this item much more than I so I thought it would be great to pass on this gift to him.  I asked my best friend (the one who gave me the gift) if it would be okay if I gave it to my nephew.  The result was… unpredictable to me (but likely predictable to many).   She became really upset and told me a few things that I didn’t appreciate and now we’re in non-speaking terms as a result.  Now, granted, it is possible that some of these things had been brewing in her mind for a while and this situation presented a perfect opportunity for her to let them all out, but I can’t help feel that this result cements my belief that gifts should be given with no strings attached.  

Another friend (more of an acquaintance, really) is someone whose friendship I’d been re-considering because I felt she was taking more advantage of my friendship than giving back.  So I’d been considering moving further away from her.  For Christmas, she said she had “something small for me” (she knows how I feel about gifts) and “could I come to her house to get it”.  She lives about an hour from me, given traffic conditions so I expected that I would use up some 4-6 hours in going to get this “gift”.  One hour there, one hour back, and invariably, she’d have something for me to help her with plus the social pleasantries… four hours.  Needless to say, I was not moved by the offer.  Why am I going to give up 4 hours of my time to go get something I don’t want?  I feel that when you give a gift, it should not create a burden on the recipient.  In this case, if she wanted to give me a gift, she could bring it to me or give it to me when we see each other at some social event or whatever; not ask me to drive to her house to get it.  Anyway, I appreciated the gesture and have made some excuses as to why I can’t go to her house, and now I think she’s got the message and has stopped calling me also.  

I’m two for two.

So, what next?  I dunno.  I’m not going to change my mind about gifts or gift-giving.  I just need to find someone who understands that and can accept it, and so I can also accept her… no strings attached.